I wrote that in August but haven’t had the words or the guts to click publish yet.
I’m in a different head space now.
I should note that we’re still wading through tests and in the midst of the Clomid challenge, but they have no idea why it’s not happening for us. More on that later. Maybe the answer will change next week. In the mean time…
Other than really whoremonal days it’s okay. Basically, I decided I either have to accept the fact we might never have our own biological child, take more aggressive action, or be a Sad Sally. Aggressive action isn’t really a viable option for us for several reasons and neither is being sad all the time. After two years of trying and a few tentative positives that were either false, chemical, or not meant to be, I’ve managed to wrap my head around the fact that we probably aren’t going to be having our own babies.
I have a pretty good life (knock on wood it doesn’t change) if bio kids aren’t in my cards it doesn’t take away what blessings I have or what I can add to the world around me to positively impact others. If a “Surprise! You’re pregnant!” happens then that would be awesome too.
I had been working on accepting this reality and struggling with it to some degree but one night at a summer baseball game my acceptance just sort of happened. We had just watched some minor league baseball courtesy of Frank’s work and had some ball park treats. I sipped on some Nine Pin and sang along to the music here and there while we waited for the fireworks to start.
It felt like the acceptance washed over me. Regardless of what happened baby wise, I have it pretty good. I’m blessed in so many ways I feel I really can’t feel slighted if we don’t have a baby of our own. Other blessings aside, I have friends and family who share their kiddos with me so I get to do the fun things like Trick or Treating, reading books, birthday parties etc. I work with kids several times a week and have more opportunities if I want to take them. Kids? My life has them in spades even if I didn’t give birth to them.
Some days are better than others though. A pair of Chuck Taylors I’d purchased for one of my little buddies was at the top of the stairs next to my shoes and seeing them felt like a kick to the gut because it was a reminder we might not have our own little one’s shoes mixed into the pile by the door. I got past the sadness quickly, but it’s an image I still see sometimes when I close my eyes. Comments from (I’m sure) well meaning people who say it’s in G-ds plan that we don’t have our own yet can sting. Especially when they come from people who aren’t particularly good parents and have only gotten pregnant (un)intentionally. Part of my brain screams “And it’s in G-d’s plan for you to have 3 babies by 3 daddies and treat them like accessories and a paycheck?!?!” Like I said, some days are better than others.
I hope those reading don’t take this post or my infertility status to mean that I won’t be excited for you. In all seriousness (and I’ve said this before and I’ll keep saying it!) I’m happy for my friends who have realized their dreams of being parents. I’m thrilled for my Fertile Myrtle friends as well as those surprised by the addition of a new one to their family (even if it wasn’t planned, but was welcomed). I don’t want my friends or family to hesitate to share their wonderful news with me because I really am excited for you. I know some of you have worked really hard to get there and even for the ones who have struggled less? Your ability to get pregnant and have successful pregnancies doesn’t take away from my chances. It’s not like, “Oh man! My friend’s pregnant so I can’t get a baby this month.” That’s just silly.
If you’ve made it this far, I thank you for reading today. I really am (mostly) okay with my reality. It’s not what I expected, but it is how it is.