I’ve started a bunch of posts lately, but haven’t been able to flesh them out or finish them. I’ve been quiet around here lately because I feel like I can’t talk about some things. Nothing terrible mind you, just things I couldn’t share. Part of it was I wasn’t at liberty to share; part of it was I didn’t want to jinx myself by sharing how hopeful I ended up being about it.
Also I was in Asheville, NC for work and it was rather fun for a work trip – but that’s another post.
Work trip aside, I had been hopeful about a work promotion for which I had previously been told I wasn’t really being considered for reasons I understood. A bunch of weeks back, I applied for it anyway. This turned out to be an impressive move on my part.
While I didn’t think I had a good chance, I was hopeful my impressive interview had actually put me in contention. Friday, I found out it didn’t but a colleague was being advanced to a second round interview. I took it in stride at that the moment, asked a few questions and thanked the person who told me for her incredible kindness in offering me the weekend to process the news. What could I do at that moment? I was disappointed, but I had done my best and it was out of my hands.
But the weekend was rough and filled with self doubt. Why wasn’t I good enough? Had I done something wrong? I tried to throw myself into other things and distractions, but the general feeling of not being good enough weighed heavily on everything I did. It was the first time in years that I didn’t want to go to work on Monday, but I did and with my brave face on.
Although I have some questions about why she was given the opportunity for a second interview and I wasn’t (mostly so I can “fix” what needs to be taken care of if this opportunity arises again) I’ve convinced myself that each time I haven’t gotten an opportunity I thought I wanted, it was for a good reason and something better or more fitting ended up coming along for me.
Maybe I’m delusional, but it helps and I’m feeling closer to okay about it.
Today, on the way to work, the sky was mostly blue with pretty clouds accenting the sky. It was fairly bright so I put my cheap drugstore sunglasses on. There, just above the horizon, I saw a spot of a rainbow.
When I took off my sunglasses at a long red light to consider a quick photo, my spot of rainbow wasn’t there. It then appeared again when I put my glasses back on.
My first thought is that they were magical or gave me a super power, but I have to wonder if Nanny and Mehmere were offering me a little bit of beauty to tell me everything’s going to be okay. I just need to change how I’m looking at things.