Thursday Three – Reasons I want to cry, but why I won’t

Have you ever felt like having a good cry just for hell of it? Some times there’s something very specific wrong and crying lets out the frustrations or pain behind it. I like to think of it as a physical manifestation of bad feelings. I believe it was Rufio who said, “Tears are feelings you can’t say.” and I agree.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a good life that I’m thankful for (knock on wood) and some really good things going on (again, knock on wood) that I’m totally not trying to tempt the cosmos into taking away from me. That said, I’m having a hard time through the last few days.

Maybe if I write it down and own the words, I can let it go and feel better. Here goes:

  1. I’m scared. My little brother is deploying again and it’s leaving me anxious and scared.  The first time he was deployed I (re)learned to crochet. The second time I took up running. I still do both of those, but they’re not hard focus anymore so I need something new. I will not let myself cry today because I’m scared and anxious. Not yet. I can’t add that to his worry and stress.
  2. I’m feeling like I’m not good enough and that I don’t measure up. I know in (most of) my head that it’s not true, but there’s a voice that constantly tells me that I’m not for X, Y, or Z reason and mostly it’s quiet and just background noise. The last few days and today it’s yelling very loudly that I’m not good enough for my job, a good enough daughter, sister and friend, and certain other aspects of my life and this is one of those times that for the life of me,  I can not shut it up.  I will just have to try harder while it won’t shut up to prove it wrong. I won’t cry though, it’s only giving in to the stupid little loud voice.
  3. I’m missing people quite a lot lately and physically feeling the gaping hole that was left in my heart when they left. They’d be right pissed if they saw me cry, but I feel like I can’t help it. I’ll try really hard not to cry.

There’s probably more to it, but the tears are threatening to flow so I’ll stop now. Besides it’s Thursday Three, not more and none of it ia currently life or death so I’ll be fine, I’m just having a bit of a time. Thanks for letting me vent.

I’ll bring something happy tomorrow.

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About Court

I spend a lot of time on the pool deck and making treats in my kitchen amongst other things.
This entry was posted in Life, Me, Nablopomo, thankful for and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Thursday Three – Reasons I want to cry, but why I won’t

  1. Roz says:

    HEY YOU STUPID VOICE, SHUT UP AND LEAVE COURTNEY ALONE RIGHT NOW! SHE’S TOO GOOD!

  2. jedimama says:

    Yes. Yes. Yes. We really should meet because I could have written this (except the brother & deployment part).

  3. Pingback: Coffee Date 2 | baking in my bathing suit

  4. Autumn says:

    I say cry if you need to re: missing people who aren’t there. In other thoughts…what about learning a new language? That would take some serious focus.

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