I have an envelope of notes I’ve written in my desk at work. It’s hidden in an unlikely place, away from prying eyes, but it loos general enough that most people wouldn’t think twice of finding it unless it was opened. They are notes I’ve written to people that would be insanely hurt or angry if they know my thoughts, feelings or ire at that particular moment or ones that I was not brave enough to share.
I can clearly recall the specific circumstance that prompted many, but others, I have no idea…only that the words have to get out of me and I’m left guessing what prompted it. Perhaps it’s better that I don’t know. Over the last 5 years, I’ve written dozens of them to family, friends, lovers, strangers and myself, things I wanted to say, but didn’t know if they could handle knowing.
It’s what I do. Write stuff on actual paper and tuck it away until I can be less passionate about the issue or brave enough to tell. Some of them are mean. Some of them are beautiful. Some of them are downright strange.
Here are some excerpts:
“I still think of you fondly, but I’m not sure why sometimes.”
“Why do you make decisions that you know hurt me? I don’t understand it.”
“The blue wombat thinks you’re awesome. Two thumbs up, or would it be four?”
“Maybe some day you’ll see the very special hand you had in what you call my ‘Very special trust issues’.”
“You will find love in yourself someday, remember the really lonely days because it will make them that much sweeter.”
Looking them over, I suppose I should burn them – not even throwing them away is secure enough for my liking – but I keep them and see how far I have come, but also, how far I have to go in some ways. I see acceptance, reminders, forgiveness and love in them that I can look at when I need a reminder.
Do you have notes like these tucked away? Where do you keep them?
Don’t forget about the iTunes gift card give away. No one has entered so far so you’ve got a good chance. No strings attached, just a little gift from me to one of you.