Crazy pants cry baby, party of one over here

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The carnage

It’s been a rough few weeks emotionally and while I’m focusing on the good and wonderful things going on, sometimes I just start crying for no particular reason.

Okay, there’s always a reason, but not what I might call a good one. I started crying in my bosses office when he said some really nice things about me, then when thanking my FairyG-dMom for giving me a reason to escape what was quickly devolving into a nasty conversation, and again when I saw my SIL and G-dBro dancing to their wedding song in a bar. Thank goodness it was a pretty dark bar or it might have gotten embarrassing. I have a reputation to keep after all. ;)

I assume it’s whoremones and they’re mean. I also may be sublimating more stress than I thought. Who knows?

Today’s example of random tears? When I cut into a strawberry with a plastic knife and was all the sudden very sad. Why would I think such craziness? I thought it might be in pain because the knife wasn’t very sharp. I apologized to each one after that saying it would be faster to take their lives this way and eat them than to let them succumb to a flesh eating fungus.

My head’s a little crazy right now. At least I can laugh at myself.

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Coffee Date ’15-6

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Not my best photo, it was really hot at the Biltmore that day!
(And I was in the Conservatory for this pic
Man, those flowers were delightful to smell.

It’s been a bit since we’ve met for coffee and I’m excited to join you today. How have you been? What’s new?

I took today off originally to de-Brodify the house, but we’ve been working on it here and there and it’s not as bad as I thought. Besides, he’s coming back in a few weeks so is it really worth it?

Since I’d gotten the day off approved and I have some to use or lose, I decided to take it anyway, mentally check out, and work on some crafty projects because it’s been a long time since I’ve made something and I miss it.

There’s been a whole lot of crap going on in my life from people not being kind, losing family friends after a long battle of not being well, work stuff, and little news on the baby front, and I won’t get started with the Charleston matter. I try to keep it all in perspective though – I don’t know what unkind people are facing themselves and I too can be unkind sometimes; our friend’s long battle is over; work stuff is work stuff and will shake out how it will; our baby will come when it’s time or it won’t and I will try to have positive impact on the world around me regardless of our status as parents; maybe (hopefully?) the recent shooting in Charleston will spark some meaningful conversation for change. (Not holding my breath, but it could happen.)

Besides just knowing I had a day off and having the day off has been good for my heart already. I’ve chatted with a friend, heard some surprise good news from another and Frank left me coffee so I wouldn’t have to make it or go get some. Tomorrow I’m going to Oneonta to participate in a fundraiser for a community I spent a lot of time with while growing up. It feels good to give back.  (I can only hope my sales are good so I can give a good donation!)

Today is part of my weekend, but I’m looking forward to the rest too. And next week? I don’t know if I’m looking forward to it, but it is a new week with new opportunities.

What are you looking forward to this weekend or next week?

 

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A mentally grey weekend, but I saw a spot of a rainbow on my way to work today

I’ve started a bunch of posts lately, but haven’t been able to flesh them out or finish them. I’ve been quiet around here lately because I feel like I can’t talk about some things. Nothing terrible mind you, just things I couldn’t share. Part of it was I wasn’t at liberty to share; part of it was I didn’t want to jinx myself by sharing how hopeful I ended up being about it.

Also I was in Asheville, NC for work and it was rather fun for a work trip – but that’s another post.

Work trip aside, I had been hopeful about a work promotion for which I had previously been told I wasn’t really being considered for reasons I understood. A bunch of weeks back, I applied for it anyway. This turned out to be an impressive move on my part.

While I didn’t think I had a good chance, I was hopeful my impressive interview had actually put me in contention. Friday, I found out it didn’t but a colleague was being advanced to a second round interview. I took it in stride at that the moment, asked a few questions and thanked the person who told me for her incredible kindness in offering me the weekend to process the news. What could I do at that moment? I was disappointed, but I had done my best and it was out of my hands.

But the weekend was rough and filled with self doubt. Why wasn’t I good enough? Had I done something wrong? I tried to throw myself into other things and distractions, but the general feeling of not being good enough weighed heavily on everything I did.  It was the first time in years that I didn’t want to go to work on Monday, but I did and with my brave face on.

Although I have some questions about why she was given the opportunity for a second interview and I wasn’t (mostly so I can “fix” what needs to be taken care of if this opportunity arises again) I’ve convinced myself that each time I haven’t gotten an opportunity I thought I wanted, it was for a good reason and something better or more fitting ended up coming along for me.

Maybe I’m delusional, but it helps and I’m feeling closer to okay about it.

Today, on the way to work, the sky was mostly blue with pretty clouds accenting the sky. It was fairly bright so I put my cheap drugstore sunglasses on. There, just above the horizon, I saw a spot of a rainbow.

When I took off my sunglasses at a long red light to consider a quick photo, my spot of rainbow wasn’t there. It then appeared again when I put my glasses back on.

My first thought is that they were magical or gave me a super power, but I have to wonder if Nanny and Mehmere were offering me a little bit of beauty to tell me everything’s going to be okay. I just need to change how I’m looking at things.

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Reading more: I’ve got your number

book squareWhile I was on vacation back in April, I had finished one book on the flight down and didn’t feel like reading anything I had with me or in my tablet. It’s a tough spot for a reader to be in, not to having anything they’d like to read on hand, so I picked up Sophie Kinsella’s I’ve Got Your Number.  I hadn’t read anything by her before but knew I hadn’t been particularly interested in her Shopaholic series so I didn’t have high hopes for this brightly colored book jacket.

What? Of course I judge a book by its cover. They’re clearly going for something in its design, why wouldn’t I attach some sort of value to the image they’re portraying?

Plus it had a blurb about what the book was about.

From Amazon:

Poppy Wyatt has never felt luckier. She is about to marry her ideal man, Magnus Tavish, but in one afternoon her “happily ever after” begins to fall apart. Not only has she lost her engagement ring in a hotel fire drill, but in the panic that follows, her phone is stolen. As she paces shakily around the lobby, she spots an abandoned phone in a trash can. Finders keepers! Now she can leave a number for the hotel to contact her when they find her ring. Perfect!

Well, perfect except that the phone’s owner, businessman Sam Roxton, doesn’t agree. He wants his phone back and doesn’t appreciate Poppy reading his messages and wading into his personal life.

What ensues is a hilarious and unpredictable turn of events as Poppy and Sam increasingly upend each other’s lives through emails and text messages. As Poppy juggles wedding preparations, mysterious phone calls, and hiding her left hand from Magnus and his parents, she soon realizes that she is in for the biggest surprise of her life.

Although no expecting much, I was quickly drawn in to the chick lit, mystery/romance. I was pleasantly surprised that although I quickly saw what might come about, I didn’t find Poppy to be too much of an idiot, just enough to shake my head.

It was a cute story, had some funny moments, and was a quick read. It was a good pool/beach book that I think I finished in about a day or so but I still like Jennifer Cruise or Janet Evanovich better.

Have you read any Sophie Kinsella books? What did you think? What’s your favorite pool or beach read?

 Interested in other things I’ve read and reviewed? You can see other books I’ve reviewed here.

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The state of my uterus (TL;DR It’s still empty, but there’s a plan now.)

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It started with this post.
I got responses from more than 50 people.
Some I knew had struggled, some I had no idea.

A little over a year ago, Frank and I started trying to get ourselves a little biker for our family triathlon team. We haven’t been successful this far.

We knew this was possible because in December 2013, the doctor told me that she suspected I have mild PCOS. She didn’t think it was a big deal, but that we’d likely have to try longer than many people have to for a baby.  I went back on the dangerous pill for 3 months and then in theory, we’d be pregnant soon after. If we weren’t in a year, to call her and we’d figure out what’s next.

We’ve tried, timed, tracked, and tried some more but still not little one for us.  A month or so ago, I called the doctor’s office and told my nurse practitioner our year was up and asked what was next. We met and arranged to do some blood work over the next month. Then today I met with a different nurse practitioner at the office who speicalizes in fertility issues.

We went over the blood work and she confirmed what we thought, I certainly didn’t ovulate last month and after she looked at my tracking info, she thinks I’m ovulating maybe 60% of when most people do. (She also confirmed that all of my other levels were normal, I just didn’t ovulate.)

We talked about different options including going right to the fertility specialists in town (who I’m not opposed to seeing if that’s where we need to go) but Frank and I aren’t entirely sure that we want to jump into super aggressive treatment right away if it’s not needed. We agree if we don’t need to pump me full of lots of extra whoremones/chemicals, we’d rather not do it. (I’m crazy enough without them.)

For now, I’m starting Metformin today and Clomid in the coming weeks with more blood work thrown in for fun and entertainment – or research. I’m going to make a concerted effort to lose some weight because it’ll help too. I’ll probably be writing about it as we go because I don’t think it’s something that needs to be hush hush and if my words can help someone else, then I want them to be out there.

Also, I want to be clear about this. I’m usually okay about it. Usually.  Seriously, I’m thrilled for friends when they announce that they’re expecting. Sometimes there is a pang but it passes quickly. How could I not be excited when my friends are realizing their dreams or goals? I do not want to be though of as one of those women who are struggling getting pregnant so other people don’t share their joy and news with her. I really am happy for you/them!

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Thursday Three – Things I wasn’t doing

Recently I went through some not so good times filled with boredom, apathy, anger and hurt. Looking back, while there were outside things that contributed to my icky mental place, there were things I wasn’t doing for myself that possibly probably made it worse.

I’m in “better sorts” now and I thank all of you who had kind words and verbal pants kicking for me. If I’m honest? I wasn’t taking care of myself like I should, but am doing better with it now.

I’m going to share them with you in case my lack of self care helps someone decide to take better care of themselves.

  1. I stopped taking my Super B supplement on a regular basis. Super B is acting (for me) as an occasional antidepressant.* Stopping wasn’t planned, I just didn’t think to take it for many days in a row because I kept forgetting to bring it to work with me. This also meant I wasn’t taking my vitamin D supplement which also plays into mental health support.

    I figure that since it took two days of taking it to get excess out, my levels were really low and that’s not a good situation. (If you’re wondering, when excess vitamin B is coming out of your body, since it’s water soluble, it makes your pee bright, borderline neon yellow.)

  2. I wasn’t moving enough and had gotten out of the habit of practicing yoga. It’s really amazing what it does for my brain and heart. It might not provide high dose endorphins, but it provides enough and some clear head space to make it super effective as a mood booster/relaxed for me.
  3. I stopped looking for the good around me until it was too late. My Positive Polly outlook may annoy some, but it keeps me in a good place.

    For the record, it’s never too late to find the good in icky things, but when you stop actively looking for it, it can be harder to find when you really need to see them the most.

There were some other things that played into it, but those were the biggies. Others included learning, trying new things, and connecting with friends.

Life won’t always be sunshine and rainbows with glitter farting unicorns, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t aim for the good and do what we can to help ourselves get and stay there.

*When I mentioned that I was struggling on and off to my doctor, she suggested Super B supplements before trying antidepressants. I’m not opposed to antidepressants, but since it’s not an all the time thing, I figured what’s the harm in trying this first. Super B have worked out really well for me.

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Happy New Year’s to me

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I'm not 35. Nope

There are roughly 22 minutes until I’m 35 yet I rarely feel that old. Look, I realize I’m not actually all l that “old” and age really is just a number, but sometimes the number itself gives me pause.

2014 gets mixed reviews as far as years of my life go. Much like other years there were stresses and happy times, mellow days and sadness, ridiculous excitement and disappointments.

Friends welcomed babies and others lost parents and grandparents. Some lost babies and others got married.

Frank and I said goodbye to our first apartment together and hello to our home. (And goodbye to our money!) We said goodbye to Nanny, but hello to new babies and new friends, and reconnected with old ones.

There was a palpable give and take to this year. I don’t know that previous years’ up and downs felt so intense. And it feels like there were more downs than ups.

Thankfully I had family to love me, friends to laugh with, wine, hard cider, and mojitos to drink on our deck, supportive bosses and great opportunities to showcase skills.

Also Frank. He’s my biggest supporter, entertainer, hug dealer, and all around great guy. He gets up early with Brody, makes dinner on nights I’m working late, and generally tries like hell to make me feel loved every single day.

I’m a lucky duck – damnit I know it and am thankful for it.

I don’t want to sound all melancholy because I’m not sad. It’s just 34 was a rough year and I’m hoping 35 is a little more gentle.

It’s the start to my New Year and there are a few things I want to do this year. I want to nurture myself (physically, mentally, creatively, etc) and my relationships with those I love and adore. I want to get back to regularly going to/practicing yoga again. I want to have a happier year, even if I have to dig deep to be there. I want to feel like I’ve accomplished more in the coming year than last year. And I want to face some interesting anticipated challenges with grace, humor, and patience.

It’s not too tall an order for 35, is it? Maybe I’m setting myself up to be disappointed? Time will tell, but I want to stretch more than my body this year.

Happy New Year’s to me!

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Frank said…#104

This is part of the Frank said feature. You can see more here.

Frank: Forgive me, Courtney, for I have sinned.
Me: [slightly nervous] Um, what did you do?
Frank: I bought crappy toilet paper.
Me: Aw man.

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High Five on Friday

Fotor_142746177380135I only have time for a quickie today because finding pants to wear to work took longer than I thought. Don’t you hate it when that happens?

I really wanted to wear these shoes in the photo and my skirt I had made wasn’t sitting just right so pants it was! (Maybe I should have bought these shoes in black instead? But I just loved the brown!)

Anyway! Here’s five random thoughts for today:

  1. Yesterday I went to an initial visit with my OB in hopes that we can get a little biker for our triathlon team sooner than later. (We’ve been trying for a year now.) The trying to get knocked up doctor’s visit went well. We’re starting with some blood tests in the next few weeks so we can see if it’s something that’s “easy” to fix or if it’s something that needs to be referred to a specialist on right away.
  2. I’m incredibly thankful today for a reasonably stable job with good benefits. (Knock on wood that doesn’t change any time soon.) Having time saved up and support makes facing a lot of challenges easier.
  3. Next week I’m headed to hopefully sunny Florida to see Momma et al! I’m pretty darn excited – especially after finding out that one of the ladies who will be there likes Pudding Shots! My birthday is while we’re down there so I’ll have to make some.
  4. I get super excited about snail mail. Even when the post office messes it up. (Love you for trying, BatGirl!)
  5. I need some new art for my office. Let me know if you have a kiddo who wants to make me something. Or share a link to something awesome. (This goes for our house too. Our walls are embarrassingly blank.)

What do you have to share for me? Any big plans for this weekend? I hear there’s something in NYC called Wine Riot. It looks like fun! Tickets for this year are sold out, but maybe another event.

I hope you have a kick ass weekend! Anything exciting planned?

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