Still no babies for us and why it’s okay


In the give and take of the Universe,
this sad day was also a happy day.
My childhood best friend’s daughter was born.
Also, my nephew was born that week.
It was a roller coaster.

I wrote that in August but haven’t had the words or the guts to click publish yet.

I’m in a different head space now.

I should note that we’re still wading through tests and in the midst of the Clomid challenge, but they have no idea why it’s not happening for us. More on that later. Maybe the answer will change next week. In the mean time…

Other than really whoremonal days it’s okay. Basically, I decided I either have to accept the fact we might never have our own biological child, take more aggressive action, or be a Sad Sally.  Aggressive action isn’t really a viable option for us for several reasons and neither is being sad all the time. After two years of trying and a few tentative positives that were either false, chemical, or not meant to be, I’ve managed to wrap my head around the fact that we probably aren’t going to be having our own babies.

I have a pretty good life (knock on wood it doesn’t change) if bio kids aren’t in my cards it doesn’t take away what blessings I have or what I can add to the world around me to positively impact others. If a “Surprise! You’re pregnant!” happens then that would be awesome too.

I had been working on accepting this reality and struggling with it to some degree but one night at a summer baseball game my acceptance just sort of happened. We had just watched some minor league baseball courtesy of Frank’s work and had some ball park treats. I sipped on some Nine Pin and sang along to the music here and there while we waited for the fireworks to start.


This guy.
He’s one of those blessings I talked about

It felt like the acceptance washed over me. Regardless of what happened baby wise, I have it pretty good. I’m blessed in so many ways I feel I really can’t feel slighted if we don’t have a baby of our own. Other blessings aside, I have friends and family who share their kiddos with me so I get to do the fun things like Trick or Treating, reading books, birthday parties etc. I work with kids several times a week and have more opportunities if I want to take them. Kids? My life has them in spades even if I didn’t give birth to them.

Some days are better than others though. A pair of Chuck Taylors I’d purchased for one of my little buddies was at the top of the stairs next to my shoes and seeing them felt like a kick to the gut because it was a reminder we might not have our own little one’s shoes mixed into the pile by the door. I got past the sadness quickly, but it’s an image I still see sometimes when I close my eyes. Comments from (I’m sure) well meaning people who say it’s in G-ds plan that we don’t have our own yet can sting. Especially when they come from people who aren’t particularly good parents and have only gotten pregnant (un)intentionally. Part of my brain screams “And it’s in G-d’s plan for you to have 3 babies by 3 daddies and treat them like accessories and a paycheck?!?!” Like I said, some days are better than others.

I hope those reading don’t take this post or my infertility status to mean that I won’t be excited for you. In all seriousness (and I’ve said this before and I’ll keep saying it!) I’m happy for my friends who have realized their dreams of being parents. I’m thrilled for my Fertile Myrtle friends as well as those surprised by the addition of a new one to their family (even if it wasn’t planned, but was welcomed). I don’t want my friends or family to hesitate to share their wonderful news with me because I really am excited for you. I know some of you have worked really hard to get there and even for the ones who have struggled less? Your ability to get pregnant and have successful pregnancies doesn’t take away from my chances. It’s not like, “Oh man! My friend’s pregnant so I can’t get a baby this month.” That’s just silly.

If you’ve made it this far, I thank you for reading today. I really am (mostly) okay with my reality. It’s not what I expected, but it is how it is.

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Good things 2015: Week #41-46


A hint of the bathroom make over.

It’s important to remember the things that are good in life. It reminds me how blessed I really am and also helps to ease the sting of the bad. I’m incredibly lucky, there’s more good than bad (Knockonwood!) and I want to document how thankful I am for it.

It seems I’m woefully behind in keeping track of good things. I’ve been mentally documenting them, but really I’ve been trying to enjoy moments more and not worry about documenting them. I don’t need a 1000 photos of random things, I want to experience things more I think.

In no particular order of importance or timing.

  • Getting the go ahead for the Clomid challenge
  • Good phone chats
  • Random happy mail
  • Acorn squash
  • Having a boss appreciate your work and efforts
  • Fixing the futon!
  • Friendship bracelets
  • Limiting what I’m taking on (I’ve been saying no lat
  • Thanksgiving stuff coming together.
  • Bathroom face lift
  • GF french toast
  • BatGirl’s visit and everything that went with that weekend
  • House projects wrapping up for now
  • Netflix! Specifically, right now Gotham (season 1)
  • Being able to say, “Yes I can do that!” (But sometimes saying “But I can’t right now, can I get that to you next week?”)
  • Tazo Wild Sweet Orange Tea after this new allergy discovery
  • Realizing that the people investigating new health insurance options will also be covered by it and are therefore unlikely to screw you over with it.
  • Pictures of my nephew(s)
  • Friends realizing dreams
  • Pears
  • Sushi lunch with an old friend.
  • Cleaning out stuff and organizing. (Inbox, supplies, cupboards and closets – nothing has been safe this past week.)
  • Experiencing and less documenting.
  • Snark-a-like friends
  • Sick time and vacation days to be used more or less at will.
  • Calming an upset child and the mom thanking me for being patient.
  • Finishing my string of presentations with two really good ones

How have you been? What made you smile? Tell me about one of your successes? Tell me something random about yourself. If you don’t want it to be public, email it to me at bakinginmybathingsuit(at)gmail(dot)com and it’ll stay between you, me, and my NSA agent.

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And how are you?


He was winning by at least 5 cards at this point.

Today is BatGirl’s birthday today so if you know her, please wish her a wonderful, stupendous day. Did you know she came to visit us for Halloween? It was such a delightful visit I almost didn’t notice all the leftover candy!

(I notice it now because it’s right inside the front door so I see it many times a day. If you’re over please take some!)

During her visit we played Cards Against Humanity with Frank, Daddy-O, B, his mom, and MJ’s senior class photo. (We started with only Frank, BatGirl and me so we played a “ghost card”. This means a card from the draw pile gets added to the phrases, giving you an extra response. You’d be surprised how often this one wins!) We made good food, hung out with Ms. Bix and laughed. A LOT.

We also laid on the guest bed and tried giant candy dots on paper I’d picked up as a surprise. They decidedly tasted like cleaning supplies, cough medicine, and the crusty part of blue cotton candy. I found a place to get more if you’d like some.

Her visit was the perfect mental reset (or kick in the butt) to finish out my last week of presentations.

Speaking of presentations, they’re done for now and I can get my desk back in order at work and the house sort of put back together too. I think I have just enough time to get stuff done at the house before we host Thanksgiving again this year. (I’ve promised Frank I won’t over do the food stuff again this year. We’ll see if I can hold myself to the limited menu we agreed on.)

Last year it was mostly my side of the family but this year his parents, sister and her family will be joining us as well. His other two siblings are unable to make it. My parents and g-d parents are coming as well so we’ll have quite the crew!

I’m excited to have everyone visit and an excuse to feed people. I’m also excited we fixed the futon yesterday after several weeks of carefully sitting so we didn’t break the front bar more, that we’ve decided to do the Clomid challenge next month, that The Librarians is back, and that a co-worker convinced me to watch Gotham. Good stuff. (Yes the Clomid challenge should have been done months ago, but tests have to be done on particular days which did not cooperate with my work schedule for the last 6 months.)

I’m still working on my summer bucket list and cleaning out stuff (I was supposed to throw away/get rid of a bunch of stuff by my half birthday. It was self imposed. I chose other things as more important to me sometimes – like sleep or visiting friends.) No, I didn’t finish either on time, but that doesn’t make me a bad person. I’m still working on it.

That’s where I am right now, how are you doing?


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13,000 – Nov 6th

I’m 13,000 days old today.

How many days old are you?

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Chamomile has been added to the “Things to avoid” list…


Chamomile is really quite pretty.
It looks like my favorite flower too!

Every once in awhile I decide to try something new to see if I can improve my sleep patterns. Usually it doesn’t help, but I try.

Recently I picked up some Sweet Dreams Tea by Biglow. and I fricken loved it. It’s mint which means tasty, helped me wind down, and while the verdict is out on chamomile, I seemed to be sleeping a little better.

I had it every night last week.

Including last night.  I was sipping on my tea, winding down when I felt the unmistakable scratchy throat feeling. First, I was disappointed I might be getting a sore throat. I’d had a super fun weekend with BatGirl, MsBix, and everyone else who came to see us and initially figured the scratchy throat was an indication that I’d done too much over the weekend and last few weeks. Then I realized my lips had been pealing too – not chapped though. That’s a bad sign for me.

Itchy mouth/throat and pealing lips mean allergies which is a bummer.

The Dream Tea the only new thing I’ve been exposed to lately though. I know mint isn’t an issue for me, so I consulted with Dr. Google who suggested that chamomile is the likely culprit this time. It seems chamomile is in the ragweed family which is just mean to me. Damn pollen.

[shakes fist]

No more Dream Tea for me I guess. Bummer. Now I have to find a new tea because even if chamomile is ineffective, it was a nice way to wind down.

Any suggestions? I hate green tea so please don’t suggest that. I’m thinking of just going with straight mint. Also, I have half a box of tea I can’t drink if anyone wants it.

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5’kus for you

hi there, how are you?
popping in to write some ‘kus
this one doesn’t count


this week was long, right?
i don’t think it was just me
yay, we’re at the end

long weekend for me
need to rest up for coming week(s)
and get organized

next week starts crunch time
eleven/seven you there?
i see you, i do!


week wasn’t awesome
but had some very kind words
from a new-sh friend

so very lucky
to have kind folks in my life
who share their kids too

write more on this soon
trying to get my words right
don’t wish to offend


clicked “mark all as read”
in my blog reader today
sorry missed your post


oh, amazon, why
why are you so delightful?
so many treasure!

brain jell-o mold? yes!
adult coloring books? oui!fruit leather strips? si!


so, how have you been?
anything good to report?
tell me something good.



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Thursday Three – Even more websites to share


I love love love this site
Go check out

Every once in awhile I get it in my head that I should share more of the websites I’ve been finding interesting lately. (One post and another) Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re inspirational, but I find them funny, helpful or inspirational.

In no particular order other, here are three of my current favorites.

  1. Sweatpants and Coffee Have you ever found a website that just understood you? If a website could be my kindred spirit, it would be Sweatpants and Coffee. It’s part humor, part inspirational, almost always thoughtful and fully worth checking out. I see something every day to either save to my phone or share from their facebook.
  2. McSweeney’s. I looked, but it seems I’ve never shared this site with you! Bad, bad Court. It’s a humor/satire site and I think I’ve laughed at every single post. One I read today was List: Reasons Why My Printer Never Works by Ali Garfinkel which is hysterical to me because I’m often at war with my printer. Another great one recently was “Hell is Empty and All the Devils are Here”: A Shakespearean Guide to the 2016 Republican Primary by Emily Uecker or how about Open Letters: An Open Letter to Pumpkin-Flavored Seasonal Treats by Ilana Plen. Go check them out when you’re done here and then add McSweeney’s to your reader. There’s something for everyone.
  3. Elephant Yoga. Sometimes it gets a little hippy dippy for me but for the most part it has some good articles about yoga, what it really means (or doesn’t), inspiration, and great reminders about being present, thoughtful, and open (minded/hearted/etc) to life. I particularly liked this recent essay on 3 Lies Your Yoga Teacher Tells You and I’m Not a Mother, but I Know Love.

What’s a site you really love? (Social media platforms, Google, and E-bates not withstanding…)

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Reading more: Dorothy Must Die

dorothy must die cover

Book cover from Amazon

Dorothy Must Die by Danielle Paige was a gift from Frank when we were at Target in Chicago to buy wine. The opinions are my own. You can see other books I’ve reviewed here.

When I say I love Wizard of Oz, I suppose that’s not the full story. When I was little it was my hands down favorite movie. My parent claim I could watch it over and over until the video tape wore out. Between her shoes, her friends and adventures and the Horse of a Different Color, I was a huge fan.

Momma says my obsession with shoes started with this movie. I don’t disagree with her. Red shoes? I’ve always loved them.

From to Amazon:

I didn’t ask for any of this. I didn’t ask to be some kind of hero. But when your whole life gets swept up by a tornado—taking you with it—you have no choice but to go along, you know?

Sure, I’ve read the books. I’ve seen the movies. I know the song about the rainbow and the happy little blue birds. But I never expected Oz to look like this. To be a place where Good Witches can’t be trusted, Wicked Witches may just be the good guys, and winged monkeys can be executed for acts of rebellion. There’s still a road of yellow brick—but even that’s crumbling.

What happened? Dorothy. They say she found a way to come back to Oz. They say she seized power and the power went to her head. And now no one is safe.

My name is Amy Gumm—and I’m the other girl from Kansas. I’ve been recruited by the Revolutionary Order of the Wicked. I’ve been trained to fight. And I have a mission: Remove the Tin Woodman’s heart. Steal the Scarecrow’s brain. Take the Lion’s courage. And—Dorothy must die.

book squareAlthough aimed at the Young Adult genre and market, I loved loved loved this book. It’s Wizard of Oz with a dystopian, deeper into fantasy twist.  I didn’t love Amy at first – she’s a quite whiny and wussy.  Sure she’s had a rough go of it, but man, how is she going to save Oz?

As she trains for her mission she grows on you. I do wish she had a better understanding of the warnings she was given of “trust no one” and “nothing is as it seems”, but when she doesn’t get it, it advances the plot in more twisted ways. Each one reminds you not to be complacent in what you think you know.

There was a lot of description and not always a lot of action. I came to appreciate the lulls  though because this isn’t an Oz I could readily picture.

Don’t start this book hoping for a resolution. It is the start to a series and can not wait to read the second one, The Wicked Will Rise.

Is this something you’d read? Why or why not.


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A meal on the deck and visits with Hockey Joe


This is in fact one of the most MJ photos of MJ ever taken

Well I’m still working on documenting my Summer Bucket List it seems. (I spent a lot of time this summer experiencing things and not documenting them. I’m okay with having done so, but it means a lot of pics were not taken and many moments only noted in my memory.)

One of the events on my Summer Bucket List was to Enjoy a full meal on the deck with friends and to see Hockey Joe.

As fate would have it, Joe was in town the day my brother and his friend came to visit! It was supposed to be brunch, but we ended up having breakfast for an early dinner instead.

I made egg bake, gluten free and regular french toast, and a giant fruit salad. It was a lovely day with my brother, his friend, and Joe talking about hockey, healthcare issues and gun laws, and generally enjoying each others company while we sat on the deck (or in my tree house if you prefer).

Brody got lots of snackeronis that day, lots of love, and plenty of ball throwing, too. It was a good day. I need to see more of these people. I like them.

I should also note that I saw Hockey Joe twice this summer. The first time was actually at a post beer tasting party his old housemate hosted and that was a fun night too.


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Good things 2015: Week #39-40


Hot tea from my owl mug = how I spent a good portion of this weekend.

It’s important to remember the things that are good in life. It reminds me how blessed I really am and also helps to ease the sting of the bad. I’m incredibly lucky, there’s more good than bad (Knockonwood!) and I want to document how thankful I am for it.

Things have calmed down a smidge around here so I thought I’d pop in to tell you what made me smile this week. Also, can you believe there are only 12 weeks left in 2015? Gosh.

In no particular order of importance or timing.

  • Travel weight coming back off. Slowly.
  • Sick days from work
  • Sorting out a solution to the slightly broken futon
  • Tissues
  • >Re-arranging closets, getting rid of “stuff”, slowly reclaiming the house and cleaning it up from the craziness that was the end of the summer.
  • Coworkers and friends just getting “It” without much explanation
  • Root beer Cupcakes
  • My shows for this season: Quanitco, Scorpion, Castle, Blindspot, NCIS, Criminal Minds, How to Get Away with Murder and Bones all kicking things off with pretty good starts. (Satisfaction and Elementary aren’t back yet and Librarians comes back Nov 1.)
  • Netflix and On-Demand
  • People liking my design work. (Silly, but I never get over this.)
  • Joe’s Pumpkin O’s
  • Checking in with old friends
  • Knowing you gave something your all and being okay walking away from it
  • Being okay with the fact that clearly I watch a lot of TV. Whatever. I’m doing other things while it’s on.
  • Presentations going well enough and a lot of back up in the room. (5 more to go!)
  • Team Harlow’s successful fund raising, support, and all the friendly faces and hugs
  • Updates about my nephew and pics (My bro would prefer I not post pics of O to my blog, but I’m happy to privately share some with friends if you’d like to see them.)
  • Swimming lesson kiddos doing a really good job for me and asking their parents for more!
  • Soup season being back
  • Frank taking care of me and making me laugh

How have you been? What made you smile? Tell me about one of your successes? Tell me something random about yourself. If you don’t want it to be public, email it to me at bakinginmybathingsuit(at)gmail(dot)com and it’ll stay between you, me, and my NSA agent.

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