The state of my uterus (TL;DR It’s still empty, but there’s a plan now.)

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It started with this post.
I got responses from more than 50 people.
Some I knew had struggled, some I had no idea.

A little over a year ago, Frank and I started trying to get ourselves a little biker for our family triathlon team. We haven’t been successful this far.

We knew this was possible because in December 2013, the doctor told me that she suspected I have mild PCOS. She didn’t think it was a big deal, but that we’d likely have to try longer than many people have to for a baby.  I went back on the dangerous pill for 3 months and then in theory, we’d be pregnant soon after. If we weren’t in a year, to call her and we’d figure out what’s next.

We’ve tried, timed, tracked, and tried some more but still not little one for us.  A month or so ago, I called the doctor’s office and told my nurse practitioner our year was up and asked what was next. We met and arranged to do some blood work over the next month. Then today I met with a different nurse practitioner at the office who speicalizes in fertility issues.

We went over the blood work and she confirmed what we thought, I certainly didn’t ovulate last month and after she looked at my tracking info, she thinks I’m ovulating maybe 60% of when most people do. (She also confirmed that all of my other levels were normal, I just didn’t ovulate.)

We talked about different options including going right to the fertility specialists in town (who I’m not opposed to seeing if that’s where we need to go) but Frank and I aren’t entirely sure that we want to jump into super aggressive treatment right away if it’s not needed. We agree if we don’t need to pump me full of lots of extra whoremones/chemicals, we’d rather not do it. (I’m crazy enough without them.)

For now, I’m starting Metformin today and Clomid in the coming weeks with more blood work thrown in for fun and entertainment – or research. I’m going to make a concerted effort to lose some weight because it’ll help too. I’ll probably be writing about it as we go because I don’t think it’s something that needs to be hush hush and if my words can help someone else, then I want them to be out there.

Also, I want to be clear about this. I’m usually okay about it. Usually.  Seriously, I’m thrilled for friends when they announce that they’re expecting. Sometimes there is a pang but it passes quickly. How could I not be excited when my friends are realizing their dreams or goals? I do not want to be though of as one of those women who are struggling getting pregnant so other people don’t share their joy and news with her. I really am happy for you/them!

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Thursday Three – Things I wasn’t doing

Recently I went through some not so good times filled with boredom, apathy, anger and hurt. Looking back, while there were outside things that contributed to my icky mental place, there were things I wasn’t doing for myself that possibly probably made it worse.

I’m in “better sorts” now and I thank all of you who had kind words and verbal pants kicking for me. If I’m honest? I wasn’t taking care of myself like I should, but am doing better with it now.

I’m going to share them with you in case my lack of self care helps someone decide to take better care of themselves.

  1. I stopped taking my Super B supplement on a regular basis. Super B is acting (for me) as an occasional antidepressant.* Stopping wasn’t planned, I just didn’t think to take it for many days in a row because I kept forgetting to bring it to work with me. This also meant I wasn’t taking my vitamin D supplement which also plays into mental health support.

    I figure that since it took two days of taking it to get excess out, my levels were really low and that’s not a good situation. (If you’re wondering, when excess vitamin B is coming out of your body, since it’s water soluble, it makes your pee bright, borderline neon yellow.)

  2. I wasn’t moving enough and had gotten out of the habit of practicing yoga. It’s really amazing what it does for my brain and heart. It might not provide high dose endorphins, but it provides enough and some clear head space to make it super effective as a mood booster/relaxed for me.
  3. I stopped looking for the good around me until it was too late. My Positive Polly outlook may annoy some, but it keeps me in a good place.

    For the record, it’s never too late to find the good in icky things, but when you stop actively looking for it, it can be harder to find when you really need to see them the most.

There were some other things that played into it, but those were the biggies. Others included learning, trying new things, and connecting with friends.

Life won’t always be sunshine and rainbows with glitter farting unicorns, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t aim for the good and do what we can to help ourselves get and stay there.

*When I mentioned that I was struggling on and off to my doctor, she suggested Super B supplements before trying antidepressants. I’m not opposed to antidepressants, but since it’s not an all the time thing, I figured what’s the harm in trying this first. Super B have worked out really well for me.

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Happy New Year’s to me

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I'm not 35. Nope

There are roughly 22 minutes until I’m 35 yet I rarely feel that old. Look, I realize I’m not actually all l that “old” and age really is just a number, but sometimes the number itself gives me pause.

2014 gets mixed reviews as far as years of my life go. Much like other years there were stresses and happy times, mellow days and sadness, ridiculous excitement and disappointments.

Friends welcomed babies and others lost parents and grandparents. Some lost babies and others got married.

Frank and I said goodbye to our first apartment together and hello to our home. (And goodbye to our money!) We said goodbye to Nanny, but hello to new babies and new friends, and reconnected with old ones.

There was a palpable give and take to this year. I don’t know that previous years’ up and downs felt so intense. And it feels like there were more downs than ups.

Thankfully I had family to love me, friends to laugh with, wine, hard cider, and mojitos to drink on our deck, supportive bosses and great opportunities to showcase skills.

Also Frank. He’s my biggest supporter, entertainer, hug dealer, and all around great guy. He gets up early with Brody, makes dinner on nights I’m working late, and generally tries like hell to make me feel loved every single day.

I’m a lucky duck – damnit I know it and am thankful for it.

I don’t want to sound all melancholy because I’m not sad. It’s just 34 was a rough year and I’m hoping 35 is a little more gentle.

It’s the start to my New Year and there are a few things I want to do this year. I want to nurture myself (physically, mentally, creatively, etc) and my relationships with those I love and adore. I want to get back to regularly going to/practicing yoga again. I want to have a happier year, even if I have to dig deep to be there. I want to feel like I’ve accomplished more in the coming year than last year. And I want to face some interesting anticipated challenges with grace, humor, and patience.

It’s not too tall an order for 35, is it? Maybe I’m setting myself up to be disappointed? Time will tell, but I want to stretch more than my body this year.

Happy New Year’s to me!

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Frank said…#104

This is part of the Frank said feature. You can see more here.

Frank: Forgive me, Courtney, for I have sinned.
Me: [slightly nervous] Um, what did you do?
Frank: I bought crappy toilet paper.
Me: Aw man.

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High Five on Friday

Fotor_142746177380135I only have time for a quickie today because finding pants to wear to work took longer than I thought. Don’t you hate it when that happens?

I really wanted to wear these shoes in the photo and my skirt I had made wasn’t sitting just right so pants it was! (Maybe I should have bought these shoes in black instead? But I just loved the brown!)

Anyway! Here’s five random thoughts for today:

  1. Yesterday I went to an initial visit with my OB in hopes that we can get a little biker for our triathlon team sooner than later. (We’ve been trying for a year now.) The trying to get knocked up doctor’s visit went well. We’re starting with some blood tests in the next few weeks so we can see if it’s something that’s “easy” to fix or if it’s something that needs to be referred to a specialist on right away.
  2. I’m incredibly thankful today for a reasonably stable job with good benefits. (Knock on wood that doesn’t change any time soon.) Having time saved up and support makes facing a lot of challenges easier.
  3. Next week I’m headed to hopefully sunny Florida to see Momma et al! I’m pretty darn excited – especially after finding out that one of the ladies who will be there likes Pudding Shots! My birthday is while we’re down there so I’ll have to make some.
  4. I get super excited about snail mail. Even when the post office messes it up. (Love you for trying, BatGirl!)
  5. I need some new art for my office. Let me know if you have a kiddo who wants to make me something. Or share a link to something awesome. (This goes for our house too. Our walls are embarrassingly blank.)

What do you have to share for me? Any big plans for this weekend? I hear there’s something in NYC called Wine Riot. It looks like fun! Tickets for this year are sold out, but maybe another event.

I hope you have a kick ass weekend! Anything exciting planned?

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Thank you and Pudding Shots

Pudding Shots

Pudding shots might not *look* like much, but they’re awesome.

First of all, I’d like to thank everyone who reached out to me privately with concerns about how I’m doing. I’m on the upswing and dare I say, “okay” and I really appreciate that you guys care. I feel seriously loved and cared for and can not thank you enough.

As a thanks, I’m offering you the Pudding Shot recipe that I’ve raved about several times.  I have to thank Hockey Joe’s friend Eric for introducing me to these bits of amazingness. He handed me one at his house a few years ago and said, “Trust me.” I did. I’m glad.

I’ve been a big fan of Jell-O shots through the years, but hadn’t seriously thought to make them with pudding. (Mostly because pudding is made with milk and milk and booze doesn’t always jive well.)

Who doesn’t love pudding? (Don’t tell me if you don’t, I have a high opinion of my readers and don’t wish to tarnish it.) Pudding with booze? All the better.

For our New Years Eve party I reached out to Eric to find out how to make them because I wanted them and thought it might be a nice addition to the bar. I’m lucky he was willing to share!

What you’ll need:

  • 1 big box of INSTANT pudding (or two small boxes) I like chocolate
  • 1 Tub of Cool Whip
  • Vodka
  • Cream based liquor of your choice. I used Baileys for this blend.
  • Condiment cups with lids. I got them at Target but have seen them all over.

What you’ll do:

  1. In a medium bowl, make pudding according to instructions subbing half the liquid for cold vodka and half for the cream based liquor. (I actually used a little less vodka for a thicker pudding and it worked nicely)
  2. Fold in tub of Cool Whip
  3. Put in condiment cups with lids.
  4. Freeze. We put ours outside in the snow because NY is handy like that.
  5. Hand out to friends who enjoy such things. You might give them a spoon too.
  6. Enjoy. They’re really fricken good. And pack a punch so be careful

If you want to be all fancy, you can garnish with a cherry, chocolate shavings, more whipped cream etc. With all the flavored vodka options the combinations are almost endless. I think next time I’m going to make Vanilla with Cherry vodka. Or chocolate with Creme de Menthe! If you need inspiration, Pinterest has some for you

Questions? Comments? What kind are you going to make? There are a few left in my freezer if you want to come over and sample one…

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Reading more: The Same Sky

book squareThe Same Sky by Amanda Eyer Ward was made available to me by the publisher at no charge to me through NetGalley. The opinions are my own. You can see other books I’ve reviewed here.

I realized that I have a bunch of reviews started but not finished so I’m going to start posting them once a week. If you don’t like them, I invite you to go check out fun things here or find me an awesome Listverse post.

Although I was excited to be reading so much again for a bit, I hit a book slump again and haven’t been reading as much as I’d like lately. It turns out there’s only so many hours in a day. Go figure.

One I recently finished was The Same Sky, by Amanda Eyer Ward. I didn’t recognize her name when it was sent to me, but I have also read her book, How to Be Lost which I also enjoyed.

From Amazon:

Alice and her husband, Jake, own a barbecue restaurant in Austin, Texas. Hardworking and popular in their community, they have a loving marriage and thriving business, but Alice still feels that something is missing, lying just beyond reach.

Carla is a strong-willed young girl who’s had to grow up fast, acting as caretaker to her six-year-old brother Junior. Years ago, her mother left the family behind in Honduras to make the arduous, illegal journey to Texas. But when Carla’s grandmother dies and violence in the city escalates, Carla takes fate into her own hands—and with Junior, she joins the thousands of children making their way across Mexico to America, facing great peril for the chance at a better life.

In this elegant novel, the lives of Alice and Carla will intersect in a profound and surprising way. Poignant and arresting, The Same Sky is about finding courage through struggle, hope amid heartache, and summoning the strength—no matter what dangers await—to find the place where you belong

The description above does not do this book justice but I can’t tell you much more without giving away too much of the story. It was interesting to explore issues of cancer, infertility, adoption, illegal immigrants, drug use and more through the eyes of personal experience rather than politically charged rhetoric.

I was so into the story and making sure that Carla was okay that I read this book in two sittings. (The second one being about 3 hours straight.) I loved this book even though I almost cried. My heart broke for both characters as their stories unfolded and then when you see how they come together I almost cried tears of happiness.

I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that there are several traumatic events in this story and if recounts of sexual or physical abuse are difficult for you, this may not be a good book for you.

Is this a book you’d like to read? Do you like books that make you feel overly emotional or are you more of a lighthearted book reader? I generally prefer lighthearted books, but this was a great read.

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This weekend was…

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I don’t know what Dex said to him, but he looks worried.

I don’t usually do a weekend recap because although I enjoy my weekends, I don’t think many of you care what I do for most of them. Also, as my bro said over the weekend, I’ve gotten a little boring.

I do wish to tell you a little bit about my weekend though so I’ll summarize parts with a word.

Complicated. I spent a good portion of my weekend cleaning at Mehmere’s house so it can be ready for the renters. My feelings tied to her former home are difficult to express, I think because it doesn’t look, smell, or feel like her home anymore. The flower beds and gardens are gone, her collections of stuff are gone and it doesn’t even have the smell of slightly stale coffee going for it any longer.

Dirty. Saturday, I scrubbed and swept. Scrubbed and swept some more and then moved things to scrub again. I chased Brody around and through some what I hope was mud and then back to cleaning I went. I ended up a rather gross specimen of a human being. Oh this was all after sweating on the pool deck for a few hours to start the day.

Fun. I went out with my brother and ran into some family friends out for a 21st birthday party. It was a fun night out even if my dear brother told me I’d gotten boring in the last year or so and my drinks were too girly. I told him that being married, working on having a baby, and the fact that my liver/head/body don’t like me much after a couple of drinks made it less than fun to be out an about as much anymore.

I also saw a whole bunch of family this weekend when I crashed my 15 year old cousins sleep over birthday party and then popped over to Pop’s house to say hello before heading home.

Exhausting. I haven’t been sleeping well to begin with and adding to that a warm pool deck and then many hours of moving, schlepping, cleaning, visiting, and being out and about, coming back to my desk today was a welcomed break.

Good for me. I’m back to having a lot of things weighing on my mind and heart. Stuff with both jobs, some friends, and expectations for myself have left me feeling sad. Recently I feel like I’m not a good enough family member, friend, or contributor to my world and that contributions I thought I made to things over the last several years haven’t meant anything. That’s a hard pill for me to swallow.

I know that some of the things said to me most likely have more to do with the person saying them and not me or something I did or didn’t do, but they still hurt and I need to wrap my head around it. I also need to figure out if anything is valid or if I’m being too sensitive. Even if all of the icky feelings are result of disappointment in my self and not coming from those around me, they still need to be processed and dismissed. Spending hours scrubbing, catching up with family, and getting out of my own head was good for me. It’s hard to feel bad about yourself when you get the really finish scrubbing the gross off kitchen cabinets, making 15 year olds laugh, and hugging friends and family.

How was your weekend? Can you sum it up in a few words or phrases?

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Good things 2015: Week #12

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It’s important to remember the things that are good in life. It reminds me how blessed I really am and also helps to ease the sting of the bad. I’m incredibly lucky, there’s more good than bad (Knockonwood!) and I want to document how thankful I am for it.

After a long, but okay weekend, I’m feeling pretty gloomy so I’m doing this now to snap out of it. Here we go (in no particular order of importance or timing):

  • Google for when a member asks me a question about something at 6pm that I’ve actually never heard of before.
  • A kiddo at the pool swimming all by herself.
  • Someone you didn’t expect to see seeming genuinely happy to see you
  • A fun night out with my bro and some hometown friends
  • Seeing Brody after an especially rough morning
  • People loving their crafts
  • Connections with new coworker
  • Agreeable staff at the pool to help me out
  • Mutual Admiration Societies I belong to
  • Reminding myself I have an upcoming break to see Momma.
  • Tom working out on Blacklist ;-)
  • Three decent attempts at C25K (first was decent, second had to be done in elliptical due to time/availability, and third one wasn’t as good for distance, but I felt pretty good about it over all.
  • Comfort of old favorite songs
  • Being able to ask myself, “Does this really hurt your heart or are you being to sensitive? Will this matter next week? Next month? Next year?”

How have you been? What made you smile? Tell me about one of your successes?

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Frank said…#103

This is part of the Frank said feature. You can see more here.

I was talking about what I was going to make and take to D’Lovely and her family while she was recovering from her surgery. Frank was having a different conversation

Me: I think I’m going to save some chili for D’Lovely et al, but I’m not sure she eats ground beef.
Frank:White Castle has onion rings
Me: What? Huh? You want to take them onion rings
Frank: I was thinking about onion rings.
Court: OooohKay then.

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